Homesick

Today I am just blah and mopey. I miss my little city, and Yvonne and the camp, her horses and my lake. Terribly. Enough that it hurts, and that I don't want to leave the house or go to church tonight.

I don't think it helps my mopey mood that Stephan is gone for work for the week. It was last minute, something fell through and they sent him away while they were waiting for something to arrive....or something along those lines. He found out Monday morning at work, and left after lunch. He's 2 hours away, in a hotel. Luckily he's back by tomorrow around dinner time. But still, I miss him and its weird not having him here. I have no one to ask me how my day was at work. And he's gone next week probably too.

I also have no one to kill the giant spider in the bathroom that was waiting for me when I got home from work today. Seriously, it has a pretty large body and with its legs spread out its the size of a toonie. I kept my eye on him the whole time I showered, and almost had a heart attack when he crawled out of sight. I dried off in my bedroom. And I took my hair stuff out of the bathroom...I'll do my hair somewhere else. Just not in the bathroom.And thats the other problem. Spiders bite. I react badly to their bites. Mosquitoes are bad the enough. I currently have one of those that is reacting badly. Its a pink ring around the bite that's the size of a tennis ball, and a big hard lump under my skin where the bite is. Its rock solid. I've been pumping myself full of benedryl for the last couple of days. And using calamine lotion, because it gets irritated just from my pants rubbing up against it at work. And guess where my calamine lotion is? Just below where the spider was last sighted before disappearing. Can I get to my lotion? Nope.

So with Stephan being gone, I'm more prone to mope. And I know I should be able to survive some time without him, but seriously I don't want to. Why should I, when I've known him for 2 years and we spent the first year with him in Germany, except for his occasional trips here?! In my eyes, I've done my time apart with him, 50% so far!. More than enough. Second of all, he really is my bestfriend. We talk about everything. And he gives the best hugs. I miss those hugs.
I miss dinnertime, when he gets home from work and we talk about our days over dinner, and the things we need to do. And going to bed at night alone sucks. Last night, I had nightmares that I was involved in a war inside a mall (a full -out army war with weapons) and a sniper was trying to shoot me while I hid behind a couch for cover. Don't ask. My dreams are always random like this.

And so, because I miss Stephan I start to miss home. A lot. Yvonne tells me I need to get over missing her and the camp. But I can't. And I know she says that because she's trying to cover up that she's missing me. She would never say it out loud. And every time I think of her, I feel guilty for leaving her. I don't know when I'll see her, or the horses. And I had never planned to be in that position again, back to once a year at the camp, after I moved back to Northern Ontario. But here I am, back in that position of once-a-year visits, or even less. Its hard to think about.

.....I can't wait until Stephan is home. Maybe he can kill that spider. Not to self: get Stephan to get a bedframe to keep the bed off of floor, which is right next to the killer-spider bathroom. Very soon. And I know one of his hugs would really make me feel better right now. Because I could remind myself that even though I'm away from my lake, I have Stephan.